Stay-at-home-parenting and marriage

And the choice for either parent to stay home requires a life-time commitment to marriage.

The above statement comes from the comments on a blog post written by Megan McArdle at the Atlantic. The blog post focuses on a man who made many poor financial decisions following a divorce and second marriage (the fact that the man is the economic writer for the New York Times is quite ironic), and Ms. McArdle is of the opinion that the man simply couldn't afford to remarry, once he divorced. Supporting two households on his salary (which is not inconsiderable) was too difficult, considering the alimony and child support he was now obligated to pay.

The comment I've highlighted has come out of the discussion about stay-at-home parents. Some commentors believe that stay-at-home-parents (primarily moms) are lazy, childish, and foolish. Some believe that it is the right choice for children, to have a parent at home at all times. (Unsurprisingly, I fall into this camp.) Most of the discussion is merely rehashing the same old "mommy wars" conflict.

But that comment about lifetime commitment to marriage is quite insightful. I never thought of it that way, but it rings true. Staying at home is a career-killer in most respects (certainly this becomes more true as the starting age for marriage and childbearing gets older); if the marriage breaks up after 15-20 years, the mother (usually) has no real marketable skills, and fewer and fewer opportunities to obtain them.

I suppose if you don't expect your marriage to last, then it would be foolish to be a stay-at-home-mother. Of course, who goes into marriage expecting it to fail? But if, before you make the decision to have one parent stay home, you both realize the responsibilities inherent in the decision, could you expect the marriage to last longer? Because you've thought it through and still made the decision?

I hope so. I think our society places far too little value on a stable, secure marriage. A successful marriage may not be perfectly happy and lovely all the time. But if you've made decisions that depend on staying married for the best possible outcome (children, stay-at-home-mothers, etc), then you'd better be prepared to STAY MARRIED.